Ok, so those of us in Christian countries have no doubt heard of the 12 Days of Christmas, it has some religious significance apparently. Personally, I don’t go in much for religion it’s never done me an ounce of good, well that’s a lie. If it weren’t for religion I wouldn’t get chocolate at Easter and I probably wouldn’t get presents at Christmas either, so maybe it’s not so bad…
Anyway, I digress. Back on topic, 12 Days of Christmas. If you don’t know how the “song” goes, or you have forgotten, let me remind you (you can thank my magnificent Google skills, because I couldn't remember them all):
- A partridge in a pear tree
- Two turtle doves
- Three french hens
- Four Calling Birds
- Five gold rings
- Six geese laying
- Seven swans swimming
- Eight maids milking
- Nine drummers drumming
- Ten pipers piping
- Eleven ladies dancing
- Twelve lords leaping
Given it’s the “season” and all, I thought that it might be appropriate to make a list of gifts that you might want to try out with your “true love”. Traditionally the 12 Days of Christmas are the 12 days after Christmas, so, I think you should stick with tradition and start this list on Christmas Day, and try these out for the next 12 days, most people take this time off during the year, so a good chance for you and your “true love” to try a few new things together...
So, here is my 12 Toys of Sexmas list:
A partridge in a pear tree
You know, coming up with a sex toy that relates to a bird in a tree is rather difficult. The best I could come up with is sticking “something” into bush…
It’s a dildo, but with a difference, well hopefully not too much of a difference. Stick with me. There is a product out there called Clone-A-Willy and oddly enough, Clone-A-Pussy. The idea is, that you make a mould of your favorite willy and or pussy (if you are not sure, this is your “true loves”), and for the willy at least, you then make a dildo (vibrating or not, you choose) from the mould.
Two turtle doves
Show them you have a sensual side, grab a bar of Dove Soap, run them a bath and lather up. It’s a stressful time of the year, take the time to relax, and who knows you might get to use yesterday’s present, as it should be dry by now, take it out for a spin.
Three french hens
Everyone loves a french maid outfit, don’t they? This is not just for the girls either, just look how well Sheldon pulls it off…
If crossdressing isn’t your thing, what about this other guy? I would love for him to clean up my place wearing that, what about the rest of you ladies?
I've changed my mind after looking at the two images, side by side, stuff Sheldon, I'll take the tuxedo any day of the week. Geek I may be, and enjoy the antics of The Big Bang Theory show I do, but I'm human and a female first and foremost.
Four Calling Birds
Calling birds, to me that sounds like someone should be crying out in ecstasy… Maybe I just have a dirty mind, but if I do and you are reading this, doesn’t it stand to reason you do as well? No judgement, none at all.
There are many ways to get someone to cry out in ecstasy without the need of toys, but this is a list for toys, so what about a couples toy kit? It may be a double up on some of the items you have, but
- Who doesn’t love presents and,
- If one is good, more must be better...
Five gold rings
This one is a bit of a no-brainer to me. Get a cock ring! Or if the mood suits you, get him 5, one for each day of the week, you know like the Monday-Friday socks and jocks you can get. A different colour, or material for each day of the week! Sounds like a plan now I think of it.
Now, you might be thinking that this is only for the boys. Ladies, I’m here to tell you that it’s not. It’s been brought to my attention that I’m a little bit of a tease (who am I kidding, I love the tease), and what better way to tease longer than to delay his release?
Six geese laying
I don’t know about laying, but this egg will sure help you get laid, I can almost count on it. The egg I’m talking about is a We-Vibe Jive, and because we are all nerds, everything's made better with bluetooth. Not only that, you can now control her pleasure from the other side of the country, what better way to tell her you are thinking about her. Would make long distance relationships that much better...
Seven swans swimming
It’s summer, if you were not aware. The weather has been a little strange this year, but nevertheless, summer it is. Summer is the time for bikinis and swimming. So today will require a bikini. The astute will notice this is not a toy, maybe not, but girls, your guy likes you and your body, he will love you in a two piece. Besides, who said anything about staying in it for very long?
Eight maids milking
Just like the five rings, this seems like a no brainer. We want milk related right, well of course to get milk you need lubrication…
There are heaps of lubricants out there now, you take your pick. Do you want a flavoured one? Do you want an organic one? Do you want a couples set? Do you want a warming one? Do you want a cold one? Do you want an anal one? Even one with vitamins in it! The list is endless, only limited by your imagination.
Nine drummers drumming
Now, I might be showing my age here, but I can’t stop thinking about the Divinyls, Pleasure and Pain; for today's… Wow, googling the song, it comes up as a classic hit, maybe I am getting old. But, I digress…
How about you get a paddle, look if you want to try a whip or a crop, I’m not going to stop you, but for those of us a little more delicate, start with a paddle. Look, it’s classified as a fetish so I understand some may be reluctant, but if a very popular nerdy tv show can get away with a spanking experience, the least you can do is give it a shot, no?
Ten pipers piping
A touchy subject for the guys this one, but all I could think of when I saw pipers piping was penis enlargers. Now boys, I know you all think you are great, and look I’m sure you are, but in the interests of the season and having a bit of fun, bear with me.
There are a number of enlargers out there on the market, and I’m sure they all work well enough (not having the equipment, can’t give a “hands on” run down). But I would suggest looking at the Bathmate Hydromax (you choose your size, I will not presume…). Make sure you get the blue one though, because the nerd in me sees a Dalek, not sure why but when I look at the pump all that goes through my head is “exterminate, exterminate”... Not very sexy hmm…
Eleven ladies dancing
Girls, why not get a stripper pole and give him a show? Guys, I wouldn’t suggest getting a stripper pole for your girl and expecting her to perform on queue…
If a stripper pole isn’t your thing, how about some lingerie instead? The anticipation is sometimes just as good as the act itself, again, so I have found. There is nothing like greeting him in a sexy, sultry set of lingerie, to make his blood boil.
Twelve lords leaping
He’s not going to be leaping anywhere by the time you girls have tied him up just the way you like. Show him who is really in control, you could try out the simple handcuffs (leather, lace or metal, you choose your poison), or why not try some rope. If you are generally a cheap arse like myself, bunnings has a wide range of items that may come in handy… Don’t forget duct tape.
There you have it, my 12 Toys of Sexmas list for 2017. There are a few items on there that I have not tried out yet, but think I will give them a go myself this year… Let me know how you go, and I’ll let you know how I go.
One last thing, this is all in the name of fun and frivolity, don’t take things too serious, especially during this time of the year. I hope you and your families get to spend some quality time together, some rest and refreshment, ready to tackle the next year that appears to be approaching at the rate of a freight train.
Just so you are aware, I’m not affiliated with any of the items I have mentioned in this post, I’m not getting any kickback from any link you click on.